believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
