you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
