You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
