If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
