she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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