hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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