I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
