10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
