Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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