Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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