We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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