trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
