sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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