Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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