so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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