I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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