i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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