Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
