I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
