i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
