apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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