Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize