I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I supernannyed him into submission
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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