thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
