Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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