When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
