I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
