I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
