i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
