the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
