I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
