Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
