Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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