I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
