omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
