Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
