So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
i came on her dog
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
