can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
