I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
