I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
