the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
