that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Enjoy the penises
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
