I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
