so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
