Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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