I can text with my tongue
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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