She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Brb crying the tears of my youth
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
