If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
