Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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