that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
