god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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