You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
