i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
