You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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