My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
