It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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